Have a Better One

[00:00:13] Oh, oh my God. I just hurt my shin. I can't walk. What am I going to do? I better call for help. What's your emergency? Hi. Hi, I'm in big trouble. I banged my shin. I can't walk anymore. I need a rescue.

[00:00:41] Based on your cell phone, I have you in the area of the Lowell Chute. Is that accurate, ma'am? Uh, yep. I'm stuck here with a bruised shin. I can't move. I'm scared. It's getting dark. I can feel my skin getting colder. Please help.

[00:00:58] It's okay. Everything will be fine. We have sent a message to the Office of Conservation. They have your location and are sending a rescue drone as we speak. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I don't think I'm going to make it. I understand. Help is on the way. Can I help you with anything else? No, no, thank you. Thank you for your service.

[00:01:27] Excellent. Please fill out the fillable form on your cell phone and give us a good rating. And don't forget to smash that like button and subscribe. Uh, okay? Have a better one.

[00:01:59] Oh my god. What is that? A giant mosquito? A ganette to finish me off? A no-seal? Oh, it's a drone! Oh, yay! I'm saved! This is the Conservation Department. No! I bruised my shin and I can't walk. I'm late for my pottery class. I need a helicopter now.

[00:02:25] 10-5. Affirmative. Copy that. Understood. Roger Wilco. Clear as day. Will comply. Oh, thank god. Before we can proceed, I'll need to scan your hike safest card. Oh, of course, officer. Let me pull it out of my fanny pack. Here it is! Okay. Please insert your hike safest card so we may proceed with your rescue.

[00:02:55] Okay, ma'am. Based upon your hike safest account information, it appears that you have the basic hike safest subscription option, otherwise known as the hike safe plan. Uh, yeah. I purchased it this morning at the hook set rest area. Okay. Well, that special, limited offer, basic hike safe plan that you purchased is an entry-level rescue package which provides you with a headlamp, salt tablet, single crutch, or final text sent to your loved ones, and tow warmers. Is that correct?

[00:03:23] Yes, officer. That's correct. I can't make it out here alive. I'm freezing. I can't walk. I've tried. I'm gonna need a rescue team or a helicopter. Not a problem at all, ma'am. We are here to help. All we need you to do is insert your hike safest card again into the drone's card reader and upgrade to the premium or deluxe membership plans, which should cover your current situation. Uh, okay. What's the cost?

[00:03:48] Well, the deluxe hike safer plan, the next step up from your current plan, will cost you $5,000 up front and includes a group of six rescuers to carry you out on a rescue litter for a limit of four hours, dripping sweat on you profusely and making dumb jokes about the worst day of your life.

[00:04:05] Or, you can go with the premium hike safest plan, which includes a luxury litter with a goose downfilled neck pillow, electro-heated massaging mat, and hoist into a black hawk, where you will be served champagne, caviar, and enjoy a foot rub. All medical expenses paid. Wow, sounds like exactly what I need. What's the cost? $20,000 purchase price for the first 30 minutes. $10,000 for each additional 15 minutes thereafter.

[00:04:30] Oh my god, I can never afford the deluxe or the premium plans. I'm just gonna have to stick with my original plan and hope for a miracle. Okay, ma'am. We understand. But before I let you go, could I interest you in a 12-month interest-free payment plan? For god's sakes, no! Okie dokie. Suit yourself. We completely understand. Stay on the line and let me connect you to the basic hike safe plan department in order to complete your rescue. You'll be speaking with our new trainee, Brittany. Have a better one.

[00:05:00] F*** safest hotline. My name is Brittany with a Y. This call is being recorded for my training and whatever, which I think is so lame. Like, really big brother, actually. Like, I seriously need this. Anyway, the fishing game guy said you're hurt or something?

[00:05:29] Yes, I was hiking and I fell and I hurt my leg really badly. I can't walk. Oh my god, I artist bluff every fall for the leaves thing. It's so amazing. My friend Destiny with three eyes is like a hiking goddess. She did like 25 miles on the AT in like four days. I don't really care. I need help. Seriously? You're going to be all nasty with me? So you're like in the woods or something?

[00:05:57] Yes, I fell trying to cross a brook. I injured my shin and now I can't walk. My phone battery is dying. I need to do this quickly. Hello? Oh, sorry. I didn't hear you. I just got a snap from my friend Chad. He is so fine. We have a side situationship going and I do not want to blow this. Are you f***ing kidding me? Help me!

[00:06:24] Yeah, I'm not really ready for that as I'm still training and that's like way above the stuff I know right now. I'm going to transfer you to someone else that's not me. Have a better one. Yes, yes, hello and thank you for contacting the Basic Hike Safe Rescue Center. We're getting out of the white. Shouldn't put you in the red.

[00:06:54] My name is Ruskew. How can I be assisting you? Listen, I'm seriously hurt. It's getting dark. I'm cold. I need help now. Oh, I am sorry to hear that your day is not going so well. My record shows that you have declined an upgrade to your plan. Would you like to reconsider? We are offering many great... No, I can't afford it. I need help now. Yes, yes, so sorry. No need for so many angries.

[00:07:21] I am wanting to be helping you but I need you to help me in knowing where you are. Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was on Signal Ridge Trail about eight miles in and I fell crossing a brook. I felt a sharp pain in my shin and now I can't walk. Oh, that is not something you should want to do in the woods. No shit, Russ. Are you kidding me right now? Please help me. Okay, I can do that. Do you have an up dog in your pack? No, I don't think so. What's up, dog?

[00:07:50] Nothing. What's up with you, dog? Ha ha ha! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, did that help? No, you're not helping me at all. Yes, yes, that is always funny but I can see you don't want to be funny today. So let's go to step two on my list here and see if we can send a party to help with finding you. Please hold. Oh, that lady is screwed. We only have one trainee on call.

[00:08:20] What? I can hear you! Oh, no you can't. Must be hypothermia or it's just a win. Please stay where you are. Keep warm. Don't think about all the animals that will be eating you. I'm going to contact Semipar to come get you. You mean Pemisar, right? Um, thank you. Call again. Hope you have a better one. Good girl.

[00:08:50] Good boy. Good boy. .gov So like,